What The Heart Wants
by WriterRose
Summary: One Shot. FemShep. When Shepard breaks off her relationship with Jacob, he is forced to reassess his own desires. *Possible ME2 Spoilers*


**Author's Note: **This was just written in a couple of hours as a bit of an experiment based on some research I've been doing around some of the characters and their back stories. Any feedback or comments would be much appreciated.

* * *

Slowly, he folded his arms, gently leaning back on his workstation. He carefully eyed the woman in front of him. Something seemed different about her. There wasn't the coy eyeing in return, no twitch at the corner of her lips. She seemed solemn, and it made him uncomfortable.

"Figured we were good Shepard, not going too hard and not pushing. There something I should be concerned about?" He had hoped for a quick reassessment of the demeanour given off on her part, perhaps an apology and a sympathetic smile to ease him.

Instead, silence prevailed.

"We've got a good thing going here, something I'd like to see through. Hope you feel the same..?"

He had hoped that pressing the matter slightly further, extending his own discomfort to her might have given him the response he had expected… desired. She shifted her weight, no longer the domineering Commander Shepard who had confidently strode into his office, building a potential affair with him through self-assured flirting. She seemed to reciprocate his hesitation and discomfort. Maybe he rubbed off on people more than he knew.

"This was a bad idea, Jacob. I think we should call it quits."

He felt it coming, but it still stung. The team had been increasing rapidly, and she had seemed more distracted lately. It was after Horizon that she first approached him personally, in a more unofficial manner that is. She had modestly touched his arm – a small gesture, but more contact with a woman than he had felt for a while. He had stepped towards her, cautious of fraternization regulations, but she hadn't appeared to mind. Her status was attractive, yes, but Jacob wasn't one to long after power. Her accomplishments, her skill – again, yes, and yes, but he had no desire for a trophy. Instead, the woman that stood before him, her long blonde hair spun up into a bun, her piercing green eyes, her fair skin. It was shallow, sure, but he needed shallow. They had moved close one time, their lips but inches apart. He wanted to grab her furiously, swipe the ammunition cataloguing progress from the desk and have her, then and there in the armoury.

"Jacob?"

He blinked, shaking his head for a second. His vision took a second to focus.

"Wait…" He furrowed his brow. "You pushed for more, and now you pull the plug?" He could feel the tensions of anger tugging at his vocal chords. "I hope you've got a good excuse for this one."

She looked away from him. She couldn't even make eye contact to say it. Whatever it would be, he already knew it was a lie.

"I just don't think we need to get in any deeper. Let's call it a good time and let it go."

And what a pathetic lie it was.

'_If only there had been the good time,'_ he thought, '_then we both might have got what we wanted out of this.'_

"Just like that?" He could feel himself smirk. She didn't care about this, whatever it was between them. Maybe he had tried too hard in assuming that he did either. "Know what – I'm good with that. A big official line between us: the way it should be." He turned away from her.

"I should probably go," she murmured.

"Go do what you want. I don't need the hassle."

He heard the automatic doors open and close a few seconds later, and he stopped pretending to continue working on the terminal.

_Damn it._

He rested the knuckles of his fists against the edges of the desk. It hadn't felt real, it never really had. Always forced, but still it was an enjoyable forced. The prospect, at least, was enjoyable. Still, he'd felt this coming. He knew about Staff Commander Alenko. The crew weren't exactly discreet with their talking. But still, if she were to turn to him for some kind of comfort, he wouldn't have minded being that person. In a sense, he needed it too.

* * *

Commander Shepard had been discreet as far as Jacob was concerned in the days that followed. It was probably better that way, but he couldn't help find it a little bit insulting. Or maybe it was his imagination. He rarely ventured away from the armoury, and she had seeming only been in there to talk to him other than when preparing for the next assignment. It didn't matter really. If nothing else, it had given him some space to deliberate. To contemplate. It wasn't until a couple of weeks or more had passed until he next saw her (well, outside of crew meetings anyway).

He exited the male restrooms just in time to see Shepard leaving the Life Support Control Room, where Thane Krios had now resided for a while. He knew she approached the crew individually, but there was something that always put him on edge with the assassin. She caught his eye, and hesitated before continuing on towards the elevator.

"Have a good chat?" He quipped. Shepard hesitated again, stopping this time to turn to him.

Damn, he couldn't help it but she looked good in that black leather dress she seemed to have acquired and suddenly insisted on wearing more recently. What kind of a Commander wears a dress around her ship anyway? Wait, maybe that was sexist…

"Jacob," she nodded formally.

"Jacob – that's it?" He raised an eyebrow, taking his usual stance of folded arms.

"What do you want me to say?" She asked, looking suddenly more exhausted.

His eyebrow twitched as he scanned her attire, and then glanced towards the Life Support Control Room door.

"I want you to tell me you're not approaching him with the same offer you gave to me."

It was only after saying it that he realised quite how loudly he had been speaking, and with the mess-hall just around the corner. The Commander looked instantly mortified. Her exhaustion turned to pure fury.

"Taylor, my office – now!"

And with that, she stormed into the elevator. He followed behind her. Luckily it was only one floor up to her quarters, as the stony silence in the elevator was slowly killing him. He was mad, sure, jealous even. But sustaining anger in a still and silent room was pretty hard when it came down to it.

A light 'ping!' told them both that the tension was at an end, and about to explode.

Shepard entered her quarters, approaching her private terminal to make sure there were no urgent matters waiting to come through, giving her time to deal with this situation. Jacob remained close to the door, arms still folded.

"Firstly, I want to make one thing clear, Jacob: You will _never _again address me in such a way with any of my officers present, or even close to the vicinity. Is that understood?"

He gritted his teeth. To be fair, it had just kind of slipped out.

"Understood… Commander."

"Good. Fraternization is against regulations and I wouldn't want people thinking that I make a habit of it." She turned away from him, taking a seat at her desk.

He debated saying it. He really did. And it probably wasn't the wisest choice he's ever made, but it had to be said.

"With all due respect ma'am, you kind of do."

She turned sharply to look at him.

"I can be straight with you can't I, Jacob?"

"If not by now then I don't know what we've been doing up to this point."

"Fair enough." She exhaled slowly, crossing her legs. "Jacob, I've died once for a mission already. In fact, I've been dead for 2 years. And since that time, revelations can happen."

He was listening.

"I've always tried to do the right thing, I really have, but at the end of it all – do you know what's important?" He already knew what was coming. "The people. Loved ones. Now we've all had family problems, I'm not going to lecture you on that, but this I will say – if you feel something and don't go for it… you'll regret it."

_True…_ he thought, pondering the aspect, yet keeping his face towards her stern at all times.

She stood, approaching him.

"I owe you an apology," she finally stated. "I was using you, to meet a selfish need of my own, and that was wrong of me. I mixed up my own feelings, and that caused you to get hurt in the process, and I'm sorry."

His thoughts had turned more inward suddenly. He could still hear her, but was paying less attention. Something buried within him had felt as if it had suddenly come to light.

_If you feel something and don't go for it… you'll regret it._

"Now whatever business might be going on between Thane and I is no one's business but our own, but I will say this – it is real Jacob, whatever it is, it is real."

He realised just then that he had been staring at the floor, and suddenly met her gaze.

"I think we're even, Shepard." Was all that he said, and as he turned away, Shepard slowly folded her arms across her chest, a slight smile twitching at the corner of her lips.

* * *

"We need to talk," his deep voice stated clearly as he strode into Miranda's office. The evening had come and gone, and Miranda was still focussed at her desk, looting through dossiers of possible leads for any final recruitment options to pass on to Shepard.

"Jacob? It's late." She barely looked up from her work, her desk in perfect order as always.

He turned, locking the door closed at its control panel, before turning back to face her.

"Miranda, we need to talk." His voice held more authority than it had previously.

"I'm busy." Her tapping at the terminal continued.

"Will you just listen to me for one second?"

His directness with her shocked them both a little. She paused, and then slowly got up from her terminal, moving from behind her desk to formally address him.

"What can I do for you, Jacob?"

He couldn't tell if she was mocking him a little with her official phrasing.

"I just need you to listen: Shepard broke it off with me."

She rolled her eyes, turning away from him and approaching the back-quarters of her office. She had known about their… interest in one another. Jacob and she had even attempted to talk about it once, but it just ended up being more awkward than it was worth.

"And now you're mad because you've finally realised you were her replacement for Staff Commander Alenko, right?" Miranda sighed, exhaling heavily. She heard something unusual and paused. It was breathy, and slightly muffled, but it almost sounded like laughing. Looking over her shoulder, it was confirmed. "What?" She quizzed, peering at him. He took a few steps towards her.

"You really have no idea, do you?"

She continued to peer at him, baffled.

"Miranda, she was _my _replacement… for you."

Silence.

"I'm not sure I follow, Jacob. What are you saying?" He could hear the confusion in her voice. They had never really addressed the issues between them properly. It had always been easier to just get on with things. Move forward. "You broke it off with me, remember?"

He hesitated. '_You've come this far,' _something inside of him whispered, _'Don't go blowing it now.'_

Carefully, he closed the space between them, taking her soft, delicate hands in his.

"I choked," was all he could say.

She looked down, seeing her pale skin in his. It all came flooding back. All of it. Without warning, she pulled her hands from his, pushing him away.

"You're too much woman for me, Miranda!" she yelled, tears building in her eyes, "I don't know if I can be the man you need, Miranda!"

His eyes narrowed, "It wasn't like that!"

"It might as well have been!"

She backed away from him, a few stray tears trickling down her cheek. "Get out Jacob. I might have been designed this way, but you know what? It's fucking hard being perfect all the time."

Her calves touched the rim of her bed, and she sat down on it, defeated. He looked at her for a moment. She looked so small, sat there, so vulnerable. It was nothing like how she appeared outside this office, or outside of this moment, her long dark hair shielding her eyes from him.

He moved to sit down beside her. She turned her head away from him, clenching her jaw tighter and squeezing her eyes shut, smudging the mascara onto the skin around her eyes. He leaned in, kissing her porcelain neck with his soft lips, and touching her chin with one finger, encouraging her to face him. Gradually, she did.

They sat still for a moment, looking at one another, his brown eyes admiring her just as they used to.

"Miranda..." he breathed, searching her face for some kind of signal. Her eyes were filled with sorrow. He pulled back slighting, locking eyes with her. "Someone used to say: We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

A state of perplexity descended upon her as she considered the comment. He reached up, smudging her nude lipstick with one finger.

"And Miranda," he continued, "You'll never be perfect to me."

A smiled crept onto her lips, a small laugh escaping as she gently hit Jacob's chest. He grinned in return, quickly scooping her face in his hands and joining their lips, a reunion that had been delayed far too long.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Oh and in case anyone is interested, the quote _"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"_ is by Sam Keen, an American Philosopher. Thanks for reading!


End file.
